Ilse Noppen

She was climbing a mountain, and as she reached the peak, she was already focusing on the next mountain. So she wasn’t enjoying the way up, hardly conscious of the effort she is putting into it and the skills allowing her to climb that mountain. And she certainly is not enjoying the view from the top of the hill!

This hit her hard as she suddenly felt that empty feeling inside. When you identify too strongly with your goals, joy and fulfillment are fleeting.

Another consequence you experience is because you focus on external validation; your sense of self-worth depends on how others see you.

Focusing on external validation essentially means you have given your power away. You allow others to determine how you are doing in life. You focus on how you come across, contemplate what to share, and not share, hoping you sound impressive.

‘Fail’ is a concept you don’t want to hear. To you, failing is something shameful, to be hidden because it shatters your self-image.

Finally, you come across as inauthentic: to keep that facade of achievements high, you keep people at a safe distance because you don’t want them to see your true self.

You miss the chance to create deep and meaningful relations. Not just in your personal life but also as a leader. You focus on, well, yes – achievements: what has been done, what needs to be done. It’s all about the doing – not about the being.

And then comes the day when you finally feel that emptiness inside. Wondering what you are about—wondering if you are on your track!

I have been there, and I see this often in my coaching practice. Women, more than men, feel this emptiness. It takes courage to go there for sure! But, there comes a moment in their career where they question themselves, feel disconnected, and wonder where they want to take their job to really.

The first thing to realize: You are not your success!

But you are everything that made you succeed.

Your drive, goal-setting capabilities, self-directed attitude, and ability to create an action plan and work steadily towards your goals.

It’s also about the joy and the process of getting there and realizing the goal that gives you true meaning. Meaning and significance are what we are longing for, checking in on our internal criteria for happiness.

The invitation is to play passionately to win, to realize your goals while knowing the outcome doesn’t matter. If you detach yourself from the result, you allow yourself to play a much better game.

How to shift yourself from that Hyper-Achiever’s drive mode to the passionate player version?

It does involve some rewiring of your brain. Creating new neural pathways, new ways of thinking, for which you need access to your big picture thinking, creativity, and ability to take clear-headed action.

As a (former) yoga teacher, I often do breathing exercises with clients. Stop and breathe, taking a few deep breaths. It reduces the stress hormones in your brain and gives you access to other parts of your brain where your creativity is and your positive emotions such as joy and empathy, your big picture thinking, and your intuition.

From this sense of calm, here are three suggestions for concrete actions you could take:

• Celebrate successes – however small. Savor them. Stop and take the success in, thank everyone who contributed to the outcome. It’s time to give yourself acknowledgments and recognition. And also to your team, compliment mentioning the talent you saw in action that contributed to the success. And let those come from your heart – not your mind.
• Tune into your feelings and name them: joy, excitement, sadness, anger, curiosity, surprise, fear; if you are ready for the next step, share them with others. As you (re)connect to your feelings, you’ll revive your deeper connections with others. You’ll bring your relationships to another level, in both your professional and personal life.
• A game-changer is for you to change your way of thinking around glitches. When they happen, rather than getting stressed, take a few deep breaths, and identify the opportunity you have – there might well be another way to handle the project, leading to even better results!

It might sound too simple to be true: breathe and take one action. But I guarantee you that you’ll start feeling that shift and become a passionate player if you give this a chance.

Rachel discovered a new world. She stopped focusing on what she would need to do but rather enjoyed the ride, just being more connected to herself and others. As she did, opportunities came her way, on her terms, allowing her to play passionately.

Being that passionate player is about being grounded and confident about who you are—taking conscious steps in your career. It doesn’t mean toning down! Instead, make a conscious choice of having an impact in line with who you are. That is powerful – and fulfilling.